Fog and Ice in My MInd

I’m slipping. The past few weeks I have felt off balance, slipping around my world in a confused frantic state. I have been missing appointments and forgetting to get all my blood work done. I simply forgot that my 2nd most important prescription needed to be filled. Everyday of the regular week, I take my mother to work. After I return home, I lie down and take a nap. This nap can range anywhere from two to three hours. After this disruptive nap, I usually have to then hurriedly get ready for work, neglecting all house work. Mind you, this is after getting at least seven hours of sleep the night before.

As for the sleeping problem, one hypothesis is that I am suffering from the fact that it is winter and curling up in bed is much more appealing than cleaning the house. I can accept that. This would mean that I need to just wait it out. Another possibility is my schedule at work is too disruptive to my sense of time. I work 2pm to 10pm. It is quite a weird schedule. But it works w/ me because then I am at work during the time when I am most active. Not to mention, in theory, I should be able to get things done before work. The last and most probable hypothesis is that the med I take for sleep is making me so groggy that I am unable to shake the grogginess after I am awake about half an hour (the time it takes me to take my mother to work). When I do not have to take my mother to work, I sleep to roughly to 9am. This gives me between nine or ten hours of sleep. Sleeping that much does not feel right, nor does it help me. I feel more rundown and exhausted after sleeping that long.

The forgetting important information and items is more troubling, and combined with the sleep, quite frightening. I feel as though this might be a sign of the reoccurrence of my depression. It might be rearing its ugly head, ready to barf vile vomit all over my rather nice life. This is quite scary indeed. I had finally had a spell that made me think it was in remission; that is might be time to wean off the Zoloft. But these changes, these slip ups, are only adding to the fear that I will be on SSRIs the rest of my life, and will never be able to manage my mood on my own. The pain of having to accept this reality is really more than I would desire to feel.

So now the conundrum is, how do I fix something like this? My first response is to wait and see what happens. But now looking at this solution, I feel it is irresponsible. A fog has settled over my mind, and it is making me irresponsible and neglectful. This is not acceptable. I need to figure out what the problem is before I fall on the ice and smack my head. The damage could be irreparable.

My mind is made up, and I will try to clear the fog and deice my mind. I have started working out again. I will need to become more diligent in my agenda maintenance and actually refer to it everyday. I have to make a more active attempt to manage my naps, whether it is make sure I get a list of things done before I nap. I am responsible for my actions, and I intend not to slip on the ice and drive in fog.