When you accomplish all that is on your to do list....

I do not like the idea of monogamy. I would go as far to say as it scares me a little. When you, as an independent person, commit to see only one other independent person, you surrender some of your freedom: your reproductive and sexual freedom. Now for some this is quite an easy task. And yes, sometimes, I have fallen in the trap of just wanting to be wanted. But when faced with the horns of monogamy, I realized I just wanted to be important and know where I stand. Limiting my life because of someone else's insecurities troubles me. I have learned to live with the fact that there will always be a prettier, thinner (or more round), more pleasing female out there than I. It is the way of the world. Committing to a relationship, tying myself to one person makes me offer up some of my autonomy on a platter, much like John the Baptist head. I am not so cool with that. It was explained to me that living in a monogamous relationship is much like living in a much deeper, unified, friendship. I feel some of my friendships are quite deep and unified; I now know that telepathy is possible. I do not have a problem with saying "at this point in time, I will do my best not to actively seek other people to have sex with, but if it happens it happens." I am 21. I believe such a statement makes logical sense. I have so much more in my life that I have to be committed to. There lies the problem. I come first, I always will come first, and monogamy doesn't like that.

Since when did I become a almost Normal, Non-Maladjusted, Happy Adult?

Okay. Maybe saying I am normal is far fetched. That would be like saying Anakin Skywalker was not emo, just slightly depressed. But I have been discovering that as the days go by, I am not nearly as troubled as I once was, and now I wonder, why the FUCK was I troubled to begin with? Being the Psych major that I am, I read about a lot of maladjusted people. I meet these maladjusted people. I read about how maladjustment happens and who is more prone to be maladjusted. I never really ever fit in with these people. I love my parents and I mean the world to them. I was never physically abused and had a happy childhood. It makes me wonder if my terrible years of middle school and the first two years of high school and a few bad relationships with members of the opposite sex are really enough to fuck a person over? IS THAT REALLY ENOUGH??? Based on everything I read, yes. Yes, friends who treat you like shit, call you a whore and hate you because you are thin are enough to permanently scar how you feel about interacting socially. And yeah, making some bad decisions about who can stick their dick GOD knows where can also screw you up if you let it. I guess I feel bad for putting all those people who love and support me through tons of shit that they really did not need to go through, because now I feel as though I was just being ridiculous. But then again a part of me knows that something was severely wrong. My new and current hypothesis is that I can get over these hurdles more efficiently now. I am hoping that I can get back to the over-achieving, slightly neurotic woman that I am and be okay with that. No one is perfect (though I try) and my Psych books always say all people are different. So I might as well take their word on it; I am different, I have different triggers, and my life is no more fucked up than any other practically normal person. How bout them Pears.