Fog and Ice in My MInd

I’m slipping. The past few weeks I have felt off balance, slipping around my world in a confused frantic state. I have been missing appointments and forgetting to get all my blood work done. I simply forgot that my 2nd most important prescription needed to be filled. Everyday of the regular week, I take my mother to work. After I return home, I lie down and take a nap. This nap can range anywhere from two to three hours. After this disruptive nap, I usually have to then hurriedly get ready for work, neglecting all house work. Mind you, this is after getting at least seven hours of sleep the night before.

As for the sleeping problem, one hypothesis is that I am suffering from the fact that it is winter and curling up in bed is much more appealing than cleaning the house. I can accept that. This would mean that I need to just wait it out. Another possibility is my schedule at work is too disruptive to my sense of time. I work 2pm to 10pm. It is quite a weird schedule. But it works w/ me because then I am at work during the time when I am most active. Not to mention, in theory, I should be able to get things done before work. The last and most probable hypothesis is that the med I take for sleep is making me so groggy that I am unable to shake the grogginess after I am awake about half an hour (the time it takes me to take my mother to work). When I do not have to take my mother to work, I sleep to roughly to 9am. This gives me between nine or ten hours of sleep. Sleeping that much does not feel right, nor does it help me. I feel more rundown and exhausted after sleeping that long.

The forgetting important information and items is more troubling, and combined with the sleep, quite frightening. I feel as though this might be a sign of the reoccurrence of my depression. It might be rearing its ugly head, ready to barf vile vomit all over my rather nice life. This is quite scary indeed. I had finally had a spell that made me think it was in remission; that is might be time to wean off the Zoloft. But these changes, these slip ups, are only adding to the fear that I will be on SSRIs the rest of my life, and will never be able to manage my mood on my own. The pain of having to accept this reality is really more than I would desire to feel.

So now the conundrum is, how do I fix something like this? My first response is to wait and see what happens. But now looking at this solution, I feel it is irresponsible. A fog has settled over my mind, and it is making me irresponsible and neglectful. This is not acceptable. I need to figure out what the problem is before I fall on the ice and smack my head. The damage could be irreparable.

My mind is made up, and I will try to clear the fog and deice my mind. I have started working out again. I will need to become more diligent in my agenda maintenance and actually refer to it everyday. I have to make a more active attempt to manage my naps, whether it is make sure I get a list of things done before I nap. I am responsible for my actions, and I intend not to slip on the ice and drive in fog.

Get Over IT

Rebounding from an argument is essential to having a good relationship. This is harder than it sounds. The feelings of being devalued and criticized sting the mind as much as the tears that well up and sting the eyes. However getting it out of the system works. Expressing one’s feelings is probably the best thing to do during an argument. The other party is then aware of the issue, and both people can work through it.

My lovely SO and I had a fight over a concept of what a psychologist is and what makes them special. He was trying to compliment me by saying I already related well to people. However, he did not choose his words wisely and made a bad comparison. I expressed my displeasure, probably made him feel a little small, and took an hour to cool off. Yes, I did ignore his texts and call for that hour because I knew I had to cool down. If I did not, I would only continue to be angry. This morning all was good and we had two quite pleasant conversations. I was concerned because he was working outside and the temperature is in the teens. We will be hanging out tonight and probably watch a movie of sorts.

Moral of story, just get it out and movie on. No reason to hold it against another.

It's been awhile.....

So let’s catch up to the wonderful world of Cheryl.

I started a new job at the end of October. I love my work and enjoy helping the residents. All of the residents have varying degrees of intellectual disability and mental health needs. This line of work is right up my alley. My only grip is the other staff. I feel they are undereducated. It is not their fault per say, but still. I am not at liberty to say which agency I work for or where. Overall the experience is worth the trouble, because in the future when asked how I will motivate employees and what difficulties I have faced in the field, I have at least some ground to stand on. Not to mention, this is a great resume builder for grad school.

Speaking of which, the hope is to start applying this up coming fall. Since my health is better, the only road block now is the money I owe to Hartwick. Somehow I will have to figure out how to pay this. Sometime because of the burden of owing Hartwick, resentment sets in. I feel as though this should have been dealt with by my parents. But I know they did not wish this to happen and if they could fix it, it would be the first thing on their list. I just hope they know and understand that I really don’t blame them, just sometimes when I become frustrated they become my target to fire at.

I don’t know if I have mentioned that I am seeing this new guy. He shall remain nameless, but if have this insatiable desire to know, you can always email me or facebook me about it. I cannot guarantee a quick response though. Overall things are going quite swimmingly. It has been a little hard adjusting to him in comparison to others. Like all human beings, he is quite different from all the other guys I have dates/banged. However he shares some root qualities that I value highly. He understands that I am intelligent (although lacking common sense) and nothing in the world will change that. He just has to accept that I know and understand concepts and the world around me better than most of the other women he has screwed (he is quite the man whore). Also, he has a variety of experience that I value in a man. He has worked hard to get where he is, and is quite successful. But most of all, he is not afraid to spoil me. So basically, all around a good guy.

On a final note I am going to address my vanity. I have lost my hair. It was the ultimate source of my pride. Now nothing but a mere shadow is left of it. Most people would think this is a silly thing to worry about, but I disagree. My hair was gorgeous and yes I have cried over its loss. What were once luscious locks has turned into a mullet. For fear of ruining my chances at getting my hair back, I dare not do anything with it. I have experiences quite a bit of re-growth so the hope is that it will come back to its full potential once again. Until then, I am learning a valuable lesson about being vain.

Thanks for listening to the ravings of an attractive lunatic and I hope to hear from some of you soon!